I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row