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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit