As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him