*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
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Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Meanwhile in Portland…
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.