HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁