i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
You Might Also Like
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
much to think about
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!