Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.