WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
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My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Comparing yourself to others
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
IT’S-A ME,
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]