*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
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Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You better watch out
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.