[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
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Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
thank god the sign was there
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?