i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
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Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.