ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
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Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
(True)
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same