Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
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Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Holy crap this is wonderful
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Hotels are back
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon