[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
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A woman drives into a bar.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.