They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
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Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
What personal space?
My dog
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink