Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
You Might Also Like
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
The human personality is made of five key elements