For the orator and chef in all of us
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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.