just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
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so, is there a mister shapen head
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.