I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
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Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
それは草
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.