Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
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He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Perfect.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters