12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.