Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.