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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I like long walks away from everyone
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”