don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
An odd boast
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
😅😅😅
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it