My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Always the camel, never the toe.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.