ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor