I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
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me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
welp
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!