Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
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but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
You are what you delete.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”