I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
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her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
12. I think about this all the damn time
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.