I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
You Might Also Like
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.