can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
But that’s none of my business
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I hope this email finds you in a well
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
And that about sums it up.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*