Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
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I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣