I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
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Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.