My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.