People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
what does he know…
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start