Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
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Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.