“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god