<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
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Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
some things should go without saying
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings