When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.