me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
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Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.