If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair