I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
You Might Also Like
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*