Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Nice try Hitler
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down