Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.