Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
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Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂