Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
You Might Also Like
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?