Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
You Might Also Like
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
They must have gotten it to go.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.