MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
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Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.