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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
This January has 47 Mondays
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times