I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
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Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Lmao 🤣
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”